No More Mr Nice Spy
Contents
TITLE PAGE
1. THE FATE OF ERGO EGO
2. ON THE RIGHT TRACKS
3. HOW TO MAKE AN ENTRANCE
4. SPYNOSAUR GOES ROGUE
5. UNDER CONTROL
6. WHEN GADGETS GO BAD (AKA SPYNOSAUR VS DR NEWFANGLE
7. EJECTED
8. SNEAKING PAST SERGEI
9. AMBER HAS FISH AND CHIPS FOR TEA (AKA SPYNOSAUR VS SERGEI)
10. JET SETTER (AKA THE FATE OF AGENT A55)
11. HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT (AKA THE FÉTE OF SPYNOSAUR)
12. SURROUNDED
13. FÉTE FIGHT (AKA SPYNOSAUR VS THE AGENTS)
14. TANKS BUT NO TANKS (AKA SPYNOSAUR VS DANGER MONKEY)
15. SURRENDER
16. LOCKED UP
17. ERGO EGO’S BIG BOX OF FANTASTICALLY FOOLPROOF INGENIOUS IDEAS TO DEFINITELY DEFEAT SPYNOSAUR
18. WHEN YOU’VE GOT TO GO…
19. ESCAPE FROM DEPARTMENT 6
20. THE VOLCANO
21. AT HOME WITH EGOS
22. HUGO
23. HUGO’S DIABOLICAL PLAN
24. BRAIN FOG 2.0 (AKA TURNING THE VILLAINY UP TO ELEVEN)
25. EVERYONE VS BRAIN FOG
26. ROCKET TO THE MOON
27. THE BEST FOILED PLANS
28. AFT ER THE FOG (AKA RECKLESSLY REBELLIOUS RULE-BREAKING…AND RETIREMENT)
29. INSTINCTS
COPYRIGHT
When top spy-entists put the mind of super-spy Agent Gambit inside the body of a dinosaur, they created the first ever
Super Secret Agent Dinosaur.
Together with his daughter, Amber, this prehistoric hero protects the world from villainy.
His code name:
“SPYNOSAUR!” screamed Ergo Ego. “You may have foiled my plans. But I will have revenge!”
Ego watched as Department 6 agents swarmed around his lair, dismantling his mind-control machines and going through his sock drawers.
“Revenge, I say!” the villain added. “R-E-V-V-E—No, wait, R-I-V-N…”
A shadow suddenly fell over Ergo Ego. He looked up to see Spynosaur looming over him. The scaly secret agent’s lizard eyes glinted in the dim light of Ego’s lair.
“Come to gloat, Spynosaur?” Ego hissed. “You may have thwarted me this time, but I’ll be back! You’ll never be rid of your arch-enemy!”
“Arch-enemy? Not sure I’d go that far,” Spynosaur said, clamping Ego’s wrists with hi-tech handcuffs. “I mean, I have a lot of enemies – Fandango Scaramoosh, Shady Lady, Gums Gambino…”
“Yes, but I’m the main one! I’m your arch-enemy, you stupid head!” Ego insisted. “I tied you to a space rocket and fired you into the moon, for goodness’ sake! If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t be the dinosaur you are toda—!”
“Sorry, I need to get this,” said Spynosaur, answering the call of his Super Secret Spy Watch™. “M11! Missing me already?” he said into the watch. “What’s that? A new criminal mastermind threatens world peace with his or her mad schemes? Sounds like a job for the world’s greatest secret agent…”
With that, the scaly spy swept away and disappeared into the shadows.
“Wait, where are you going? Come back! Spynosaur! Don’t ignore me, you stupid head!” screamed Ego as Department 6 agents led him away. “I’ll prove I’m your arch-enemy! I’ll make sure you never forget the name Ergo Ego! SPYNOSAUR!”
ONE YEAR LATER…
“SPYNOSAUR!”
The cry rang out over Amber’s Super Secret Spy Watch™. M11’s voice was unmistakable – the head of Department 6 sounded like a foghorn being played through another foghorn.
“Dad, it’s M11!” Amber called out as she glanced down the train carriage. “She wants to know how the mission’s going!” Amber added.
“Tell her we’re on the right tracks,” replied Spynosaur with a grin. The world’s first and only secret agent dinosaur ploughed his way through a horde of hulking, black-clad thugs. The daring deinonychus punched, chomped and tail-swiped his way down the carriage, dispatching one brute after another with ferocity and flair.
“Blast it to smithereens, sidekick! Tell Spynosaur that time is running out!” M11 howled over Amber’s watch. “Need I remind you both of the terrible fate that will befall the world should you fail?”
“I thought we were just rescuing some dumb dog,” Amber replied.
“This is not just any dog! This is the princess of Canada’s incredibly inbred priceless Peruvian pug, Pugsy Malone,” M11 hissed. “The princess is on the warpath – if you fail to save her dog, she has vowed to unleash the full wrath of Canada upon the world! It’ll mean all-out war!”
“Don’t worry, M11 – we’re just negotiating with the dog-nappers now,” said Amber as a thug flew past her head and bounced along the corridor. She looked up and realized there was only one brute left standing. “Gottagocallyouback!” she said, ending her call with the press of a button. Then she vaulted over a seat and into the air.
With a flying, double-footed kick, she sent the last of the thugs crashing through a carriage window.
“Nicely done, Amber – I always said you were well trained,” said Spynosaur with a grin.
“Da-ad, no puns,” she groaned as they reached the door to the train’s cab. “Well, we’ve been through all twelve carriages … there’s nowhere left to run.”
“Indeed – ninety-nine knuckle-bruising pugnappers down, one to go,” Spynosaur concurred. He dug his clawed hands into the cab’s door and it splintered and cracked like dried firewood. “Our pilfered pooch is behind this door, or I’m not the world’s greatest secret–”
Spynosaur wrenched the door off its hinges and tossed it aside.
“–Huh,” he added. The cab was empty.
What’s more, the train controls were a smouldering wreck. The Speedy Beaver was hurtling along the tracks at full speed with no way to stop it.
“Ah, the old shift-the-train-on-to-an-unfinished-section-of-track-before-blasting-the-controls trick,” said Spynosaur, glancing out of the window. “By my calculations we have precisely–” (Spynosaur pressed a timer on his Super Secret Spy Watch™) “–nineteen seconds before the train plummets off the end of the track into a bottomless ravine. That’ll certainly derail our mission…”
Amber was about to deliver another groaning, “Da-ad,” when:
“The dog! But where…?” Amber said, her gaze drifting upwards. “Dad, the roof!”
Spynosaur helped Amber out of the cab window and they quickly clambered on to the roof of the speeding train. The slightest misstep would see them falling to a certain death. Amber couldn’t have been happier with how the day was turning out.
Spynosaur peered down the length of the speeding train, squinting in the bright Canadian sunshine. A few metres away on the roof stood the hundredth hired thug, doing his best to stay upright as he tried to fire up a jetpack strapped to his back. Under his arm he carried a small, beige dog with a ridiculously squashed face and bulging eyes.
“Eww, that’s the princess’s precious pooch?” Amber said, screwing up her face. “What’s wrong with it?”
“It’s not Pugsy’s fault he’s a crime against nature,” replied Spynosaur. He closed in on the thug, who was frantically pressing the jetpack’s ignition switch. “Having a hard time getting your escape plan off the ground?”
“Don’t come any closer, or I drop the dog!” the thug growled, dangling Pugsy over the edge of the train.
“I’d rather you didn’t – the princess of Canada is one piece of bad news away from starting a war,” replied Spynosaur. He winked at Amber. “You might say losing Pugsy would send her over the edge…”
“Over the edge…” Amber repeated, looking down the train tracks. Ahead, she could make out an iron barrier, signalling the end of the track. Beyond it, a vast ravine plummeting into nothingness.
“Dad, the tracks…!” she cried.
“Yes, I think this is our stop,” her dad replied, checking his watch. “Grab Pugsy on the way down, will you?”
“On the way down?” Amber began. “What do you mea— AAAA!”
“Where’s Pugsy?” shrieked the princess of Canada.
The princess was barely a teenager, with a mass of frizzy black hair topped off with a sparkling tiara. She stamped around the throne room of the royal palace in a blindingly bejewelled dress. “Bring me back my Pugsy, or I’ll blow it all up!”
The princess’s servant scurried behind her, his bald, egg-shaped head beaded with nervous sweat.
“P-please try to stay calm, Your Majesty!” begged the servant, fretfully adjusting his oversized glasses and smoothing his long, white beard as he chased the princess around the room.
“I will not!” replied the princess with a rabid grunt. She spun round and eyeballed M11 at the other end of the throne room. The head of Department 6 had a neat bob of greying hair and an equally neat moustache, which twitched nervously as she hammered buttons on her Super Secret Spy Watch™.
“You!” snarled the princess, striding over to M11 with her servant hurrying behind. “Do something! You promised you’d rescue Pugsy…”
“I can assure Your Majesty I have my very best agent on the job,” M11 replied. “If anyone can rescue Pugsy Malone, it’s Spynosaur…”
“But if he messes up, you can still count on me!” came a cry. A monkey dressed in a spy-suit stepped into the princess’s path.
“The name’s Danger Monkey – second-best agent in Department 6!” Danger Monkey declared, puffin
g out his chest. “Rest easy, Your Princessness – if Spynosaur messes up, I’ll rescue your pig, or whatever it is. You can count on me to—
With a swift kick, the princess booted Danger Monkey across the throne room. She rounded on M11. “Bring me Pugsy, or I blow it all up,” she growled.
“Blast it to smithereens, Spynosaur!” M11 whispered, returning to her Super Secret Spy Watch™. “Where in the name of my moustache moisturiser are you?”
A low hum suddenly filled the air. M11 glanced up at the great, domed ceiling of the throne room. Through the perfectly polished glass she saw Spynosaur’s jet-black spy-plane, the Dino-soarer, hovering in mid-air.
“Spyno!” cried Danger Monkey, scrambling to his feet as the Dino-soarer’s docking bay swung open. Spynosaur and Amber leaped out from inside and crashed through the ceiling. As shards of glass cascaded through the air, the duo landed in the centre of the throne room and struck a stylish pose.
“Smashing,” said Spynosaur.
“Spynosaur, you maddening maverick!” hissed M11. “This palace has doors, you know!”
“I prefer to make an entrance,” he said. “And speaking of which…”
Spynosaur pointed a clawed finger skywards. Slowly descending through the air, suspended by the Dino-soarer’s powerful gravity ray, was the princess of Canada’s dog.
“Y-you see, Your Majesty? Pugsy is alive!” said the princess’s servant, wiping his oversized brow in relief as Spynosaur plucked the pooch from inside the gravity ray and handed it to the princess.
“You saved him!” the princess cried as her dog snorted and wheezed. “You saved my Pugsy!”
“Actually, I saved Snotty McSmooshface from going splat,” huffed Amber. “And I cleaned up the ‘present’ he left in the Dino-soarer…”
“Nice one, Spyno,” said Danger Monkey, grudgingly. “I knew you’d save the day and leave no world savin’ for the rest of us…”
“Indeed,” added M11. “While it aggravates my stomach ulcer to congratulate you … well done, Spynosaur. You may very well have prevented all-out war.”
“Mr Spynosaur,” added the princess’s servant, sidling up to the saurian secret agent. He pushed his glasses up his nose with one hand and smoothed his beard with the other. “On behalf of the princess, Canada and world peace, thank you,” he said, his egg-shaped head glistening. “May you get everything that is coming to you.”
“All in half a day’s work,” replied Spynosaur. For a moment, he thought the servant looked oddly familiar … then the princess rushed into Spynosaur’s arms to give him a grateful hug, squashing Pugsy against his chest.
“Pugsy likes you!” the princess laughed as her dog began licking Spynosaur’s scaly chin. “Maybe I’ll keep you as a pet, too!”
Spynosaur raised an eyebrow. He plucked the dog from the princess in a clawed hand and held it up in front of his face.
The dog peered at him.
He peered at the dog.
“Dad, are you OK?” asked Amber. “What—”
Everyone froze.
In the long, cold moment of silence that followed, Amber’s jaw fell open. She couldn’t believe her own eyes … but then she looked around. Everyone was staring at her dad. They’d all seen it too.
Spynosaur had eaten Pugsy Malone.
Swallowed him, in a single bite.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” shrieked the princess, pointing a trembling finger at Spynosaur. The whole room glared at him in horror.
“Unthinkable!” gasped the princess’s servant. “What have you done?”
“Spyno!” cried Danger Monkey.
“Dad…?” Amber muttered.
“Blast it to smithereens! How could you?” added M11 in disbelief.
“What’s everyone looking at?” Spynosaur said, glancing around.
“You ate Pugsy!” the princess wailed. “He ate Pugsy!”
“What on earth are you on about? Pugsy’s right here in … my…” Spynosaur trailed off as he looked down at his clawed hands. The dog was nowhere to be seen.
“Pugsy was a special present to the princess – from the princess!” whimpered the princess’s servant, as the princess paced angrily around the throne room.
“I’ll blow you up!” she screamed. “I’ll blow it all up! England and Scotch-land and Welshland and all of it!”
“Now ’ang on a— howled Danger Monkey as the princess kicked him out of the way.
“Your Majesty, wait!” said M11. “I give you my solemn promise, as the head of Department 6, that any punishment Spynosaur suffers will be a hundred times worse than being blown up, to smithereens or otherwise!”
“Now hang on,” said Spynosaur. “I think I’d know if I’d eaten a dog! Especially one as ugly as Pugsy…”
The princess’s screams filled the throne room again.
“Do something!” her servant hissed to M11, his hands clamped fretfully round his egg-shaped head.
“I— Spynosaur!” barked M11, her moustache twitching in desperation. “I have put up with your rule-wrecking recklessness for years but you’ve gone too far this time. You – you leave me no choice…”
Spynosaur’s lizard eyes grew wide as M11 took a piece of paper out of her pocket and unfolded it.
“My Certificate of Spying,” said Spynosaur as M11 held up the piece of paper. “You wouldn’t…”
“You ate the mission!” M11 replied, clenching her jaw so hard her teeth squeaked. “Your Right to Spy is revoked. Effective immediately.”
With that, she tore the certificate in two.
“You can’t!” Amber cried. “Dad didn’t mean it! He’s a dinosaur! Dinosaurs eat stuff! Even dumb designer dogs!”
“Waaaaah!” the princess howled again.
“It’s over, Spynosaur,” insisted M11, her moustache drooping. “Hand over your pistol, spy-dentification card, Super Secret Spy Watch™, exploding elbow-pads, imploding handkerchief, tracking tooth, secret skis, inflatable jetpack, Yo-Yo bolas, para-shoes and whatever else you’ve got hiding in that spy-suit. Under subsection twelve-point-two of the Big Book of Spies and Spying, Volume 9, Colour Edition, you will be transported to our high security prison complex beneath Department 6 Headquarters.”
“You’re putting him in the Bin?” howled Amber. “But that’s where baddies go!”
“It’s all right, Amber,” Spynosaur said, without taking his eyes off M11. “Look everyone, I can’t tell you what just happened,” he continued, “but I’m sure I’m the only one who can find out. So I’m afraid I’ll have to politely decline your order.”
“You can’t decline an order, that’s why it’s an order!” barked M11. “Danger Monkey, arrest that dinosaur…”
“Sorry, Spyno, this hurts me as much as it does you,” Danger Monkey said, taking a pair of hi-tech handcuffs from his belt. “Except for the bit where I put the ’andcuffs on ya – that can really pinch.”
“I think I’ll pass,” Spynosaur said. “Activate elbow flares!”
In an instant, a blinding white light exploded from Spynosaur’s elbows.
“My peepers!” Danger Monkey howled, rubbing his eyes. By the time his vision had started to clear, Spynosaur and Amber were floating through the hole in the ceiling, caught in the Dino-soarer’s gravity beam.
“He’s getting away!” cried the princess’s servant as the spies were swallowed inside the Dino-soarer. The jet blasted into the clouds and disappeared, leaving the princess roaring with rage.
“Blast it to smithereens!” M11 growled, tapping her Super Secret Spy Watch™. “To all agents: the fish is out of the bowl! The biscuit is out of the tin! The toilet seat has been left up! Spynosaur has gone rogue! Stop him … by whatever means necessary.”
“For the last time, return to headquarters and hand yourself in, that’s an order!” M11 commanded over Spynosaur’s Super Secret Spy Watch™. “Or I swear by my favourite moustache comb, I will stop at nothing to hunt you down.”