Frog the Barbarian Read online

  “About what?” asked Frog. Then Buttercup pushed him as hard as she could.

  “WuuAAA—?”

  SPOSH.

  The Second Wave

  “—AuUH!” cried Frog, gasping for breath. He opened his swollen, bleary eyes…

  “Wake up, Frog! Get up!”

  Frog tried to move, but every last inch of him ached with pain. He realized he was back in the valley, lying in the snow – and with his head thankfully still attached to his body. But something had changed. His throat burned with an acrid taste. Cries and screams filled the air.

  “What the … what?” he groaned, sitting up. He blinked twice, not quite able to believe what he was seeing.

  The valley was on fire.

  The blaze raged in all directions, burning even in the thick snow. The sky churned with black smoke and whole mountains seemed to have disappeared or crumbled into the valley. Boulders crashed around him as whinnying, riderless horses stampeded past. The Queen of Everything was nowhere to be seen.

  “Frog! Get up!” said a voice through the din. “Get up, now!”

  “Where … Sheriff Explosion … bragon?” Frog muttered. Through a fog of pain, he dragged himself to his feet. He limped aimlessly as screaming soldiers barged past him in the hope of escaping the bedlam.

  “The sky falls!”

  “It’s the End of the World!”

  “Tell my horse I love him!”

  Through the smoke, Frog made out a large, dark shape – the rarewolf, still chained and muzzled. Next to him lay the mystery Kroakan, bound with ropes, crying out to him through the cacophony.

  “Run, Frog! Find cover! They’ll be back any second!”

  “Back…? Who?” Frog mumbled, his head still ringing as he reached them. He looked down to see his magical sword, Basil Rathbone, still clutched in his hand. “Rescue … rarewolf…”

  “No!” the mystery Kroakan cried. “Save yourself! Before they come— Oh no.”

  Frog heard the same grating hum he had heard when the Queen prepared to behead him … the sound he had heard in his dream. He turned slowly and looked up.

  “Yoiks…” he muttered.

  A dozen huge, curved, oil-black shapes appeared through the plumes of smoke. They soared through the valley faster than any bird or bragon – vast, polished pebbles, each thirty paces across and shimmering with energy.

  “Kroakans…?” whispered Frog, gripping his sword weakly.

  “Traceships! They won’t stop until the valley is destroyed!” cried the mystery Kroakan. “Run!”

  Frog saw wheeling, spinning ships dive towards them. A metallic shriek cut through the air as bright-green sunder-beams streaked towards the ground. The beams disintegrated everything they touched – soldiers, horses, trees – or burned great, fiery trenches into the earth.

  “Look out!” yelled the mystery Kroakan.

  “Yoiks!” Frog cried again, ducking as the traceships roared overhead. He turned back to the rarewolf and the mystery Kroakan and slashed at their bonds with his sword, freeing them in moments. The rarewolf got to its feet and shook ash and rubble from its back.

  “Get on!” growled the rarewolf.

  “No! Have … to save … Sheriff Princess … Nigel Explosion…” muttered Frog.

  “It’s too late for that!” cried the mystery Kroakan. She grabbed Frog by the arm and leaped on to the rarewolf’s back. “Rarewolf, cover us! Bring the lightning!”

  “You know I can’t do anything with all this snow everywhere!” roared the great, grey beast, as he sped across the burning valley. “Blasted stuff renders me powerless!”

  “Then make for the caves!” replied the mystery Kroakan, pointing at a dark opening at the base of one of the mountains.

  The rarewolf darted left, dodging sunder-beams and falling rubble and weaving past a tree that exploded into splinters. As he leaped for the cave, an overhead traceship unleashed a volley of sunder-beams. The ground beneath the rarewolf’s feet exploded – and he, the mystery Kroakan and Frog were flung through the air…

  The Cave

  “OO-Oof!”

  “YURPthhh!”

  “GroOOosh!”

  Frog lay on the cold, frozen ground, trying to work out which part of him hurt most. The force of the explosion had sent them flying into the cave.

  “Up!” cried the mystery Kroakan, pulling Frog to his feet as sunder-beams rained down outside.

  “Have to go back … save sheep…” he muttered.

  “If you die out there, your friends are doomed anyway!” the mystery Kroakan snapped. “Now, keep moving! Deeper into the cave!”

  Frog was too weak to stop himself from being dragged through the narrow, dark tunnel that stretched deep into the mountain. The tunnel walls were coated in glowing, blue nectar, which illuminated the way ahead.

  “What’s – oww – happening?” Frog began, wincing with pain as the mystery Kroakan pulled him through the tunnels. “I … was fighting the Queen…”

  “That mad witch was about to chop off your head,” grunted the rarewolf. “But the invaders interrupted. They put paid to her plan – and her army. Maybe they’re not so bad after all!”

  “But I thought I defeated all the Kroakans,” said Frog. He added with a sigh, “I can’t defeat anything…”

  “You did defeat the First Wave – but the Second Wave was waiting up there, in space,” explained the mystery Kroakan. “A hundred traceships – the fastest, deadliest vessels in the Kroakan armada – waiting to be awakened from farsleep, waiting for the summons of their prince … you, Frog.”

  “I didn’t summons anyone! I would’ve remembered,” protested Frog.

  “No, but someone did,” replied the mystery Kroakan. “You remember that black orb I destroyed back in the forest? It was a probe, sent to find you and transmit the status of the Kroakan invasion back to King Kroak. Whoever activated that probe has doomed this world for a second time. But who—?”

  “But you shot that orb to ka-bits with your arrow,” said Frog, hobbling to keep up.

  “Too late to stop it from sending its message,” replied the mystery Kroakan. “King Kroak must have found out that the First Wave had failed and activated the Second Wave remotely. The traceships will decimate Kingdomland! Those who survive the attack will be enslaved to rebuild the Ended World in the image of Kroakas.”

  “Death or enslavement – so much to look forward to,” huffed the rarewolf.

  “Wait a minstrel – did you understand what she said?” asked Frog. “You’re speaking English – I thought Kroakans only spoke outer space speak.”

  “I’m … not like most Kroakans,” replied the mystery Kroakan, the sound of the valley’s destruction a muffled echo in the distance. “Now, keep moving…”

  “Not ’til I get some answers,” replied Frog, halting in his tracks. “You appear out of nowhere, speaking this world’s speak and wearing this world’s clothes and hanging out with the rarewolf? You’re the biggest plop of mystery in my big bucket of questions! Who are you?”

  The mystery Kroakan stopped and turned back to face Frog.

  “You’re right,” she sighed. “I do owe you an explanation.”

  “Really?” growled the rarewolf. “You want to get things off your chest now? Amidst the explosions and the fire and the horror?”

  The mystery Kroakan ignored him. She kneeled down in front of Frog and peered at him intently.

  “Are you giving me the evil psychic space eye?” asked Frog, suspiciously.

  “My name is Kryl,” began the mystery Kroakan. “I was on the farship that brought you to this world as an egg – the same ship that you found at the bottom of the royal lake before you awakened the First Wave. In fact, I was the farship’s pilot.”

  “So you are one of them – I mean, you’re an actual outer space invader,” said Frog. “Do we have to fight now?”

  “Of course not!” the mystery Kroakan assured him. “I am not a warrior, Frog, and I have no interest in Kin
g Kroak’s invasion. I am a Keeper – your Keeper. I made a solemn oath to protect and care for you, from egg to prince.”

  “Keeper?” said Frog, recalling his first, frantic meeting with General Kurg and his troops, not three days ago. “The general said my Keeper totally definitely died.”

  “I almost did,” Kryl replied, shooting the rarewolf a withering look. “Our farship had entered this planet’s atmosphere when it was … struck by lightning.”

  “Well, excuse me for trying to prevent a thousand-year-old prophecy of doom!” huffed the rarewolf.

  “Wait, you made the farship crash?” asked Frog.

  “I thought it was for the best! What’s the point of being a god of the storm if I can’t use my lightning to shoot down alien invaders?” snarled the rarewolf.

  “The point is, I managed to crash-land in a lake … the lake of the royal palace,” continued Kryl. “But I was trapped in the wreckage as the farship flooded. By the time I freed myself, I found that you – or rather, your egg – had floated out of the ship and up to the surface. So I abandoned the farsleeping crew and went looking for you. But when I emerged from the lake, you were gone. I’d lost you.”

  “Princess Rainbow found my egg on the shore – she thought I was treasure and took me back to the palace,” said Frog.

  “You’re missing the point!” growled the rarewolf. “This isn’t about blasted eggs and princesses … this is about destiny!”

  “Leave him be,” said Kryl. “He’s been through enough.”

  “He’s been through enough? He’s the reason we’re in this mess!” growled the rarewolf, rounding on Frog, his teeth bared. “Do you remember the ancient prophecy I spoke of when we first met, Frog? I never told you what the prophecy said, did I?”

  “You … said it was about the End of the World,” Frog answered, quietly.

  “Oh, but that’s not all,” sneered the rarewolf. “The prophecy spoke of a visitor from the stars – a visitor who is destined to bring about the End of the World. That visitor is you, Frog, I am sure of it.”

  “Me?” said Frog, his back pressed up against the cave wall. “Wait … if you knew I was supposed to end the world all this time, why didn’t you just tell me? Why did you let me go to the palace and find the farship and wake up the invaders?”

  “Because I interfered with destiny once and it cost me dear!” roared the rarewolf. He leaned forward, his breath hot on Frog’s face. “And because there is a second part to the prophecy. It states that only the visitor destined to end the world … can save it.”

  “But that’s bonkers,” said Frog. “Who would end the world and then save it?”

  “It’s a prophecy! I don’t make the rules! A prophecy just … is,” snapped the rarewolf. “But you chose your fate! You chose to rebel against the invaders. You chose to fight … so fight!”

  “But I can’t fight anything. Look at me!” said Frog. “I can’t even defeat one queen. I’m not mighty and I’m not a prince. I can’t save the world – my mightiness is a myth!”

  “But the prophecy—” roared the rarewolf.

  “Is bumdrops! Don’t you get it? It’s nothing! I’m nothing!” cried Frog. “Just … leave me alone!”

  With that, Frog threw his sword to the ground and raced down the tunnel.

  The Difference Between “Aaah” and “Baa”

  “Frog! Wait!”

  Kryl’s voice echoed through the labyrinth of tunnels, but Frog did not stop. He wanted to escape. From the rarewolf … from the End of the World … from his destiny. Tears blurred his vision as the luminous blue light began to fade. He ran blindly through the gloom, until his foot caught on a sharp rock. He tripped and tumbled to the ground with a…

  THRUD-CH.

  Frog lay there on the cold, damp earth, choking back tears and hoping the darkness would swallow him, hoping he could disappear … but fate was not so kind. After a few moments he heard footsteps approaching, too quick to be Kryl or the rarewolf. Frog had no mighty weapons – no mightiness at all – and no fight left in him. He closed his eyes…

  “Baa.”

  Frog reopened one eye and peered into the gloom. A small, round shape stood in front of him.

  “Sheriff … Explosion?” whimpered Frog. He felt a wet nose nuzzle his face.

  “Baa.”

  “Sheriff Explosion, it is you!” he said, hugging the sheep and getting a whiff of singed wool. “Are you all right? How did you find me?”

  “Baa,” replied Sheriff Explosion, doing no justice to the terrifying ordeal he’d suffered to get there.

  “Everything’s gone to plops, Sheriff,” Frog said. “I’m not a champion … I’m not even mighty. Turns out the only thing I’m good at is making the world end, which is basically the worst thing to be good at. Look at me! Even my catastrophe pants are showing signs of catastrophe…”

  Frog tugged at his shorts, charred and ragged from his encounters.

  “Well, I’m done. You hear me, world? I’m finished! I’ve had enough! No more champion or prince or destiny. I’m going to sit here and not move and do nothing until I die. Sit here and die and be dead! Frog is dead! Long live Frog not being alive! Then they’ll be sorry … except they probably won’t ’cause no one cares about a stupid nothing nobody who isn’t even a mighty anything! I wish I’d never left the island! Bumdrops to all of it!”

  Sheriff Explosion stared at Frog blankly. “Baa.”

  Frog sighed and patted his sheep on the head. “I’m sorry, Sheriff,” he said. “I understand if you don’t want to be my trusty steed any more…”

  The sheep stood silently in the darkness for a moment. Then it sat down next to Frog and pressed itself up against him.

  “Baa,” it said.

  “Thanks,” Frog sniffed. He sat up slowly and wiped the tears from his face. “I miss the island. I miss Buttercup.”

  “Baa.”

  “Aaah!”

  “Wait, did you say, ‘Baa’ or ‘Aaah’?” asked Frog.

  “Baa?” replied Sheriff Explosion.

  “I thought so,” said Frog. “That’s a relief, I thought I was going—”

  “Aaah!”

  “OK, that was definitely wasn’t ‘baa’… that was someone – someone in double trouble,” Frog began. He was about leap to his feet, when he stopped and slumped back down. “Except … this is champion business. This is just the sort of thing I just said I wasn’t doing any more. Someone else should handle—”

  “AAAAH!”

  “Well, maybe just a quick look, since they’re in double trouble,” he sighed, dragging himself to his feet. “Come on, Sheriff Explosion…”

  The Mouse-Louse

  Frog ran and hopped as fast as the darkness and his considerable bruising would allow. After three trips and two good falls, he and Sheriff Explosion stumbled into a low, blue-lit chamber. It was filled with a modest collection of poorly made furniture, and occupied by:

  Princess Rainbow

  Man-Lor the barbarian

  Nigel the bragon

  A cow-sized woodlouse with a mouse’s head and a long pink tail.

  “What the … what?” muttered Frog, as he watched the half-louse, half-mouse pin Man-Lor to the ground, its buck-toothed jaws gnashing inches from the barbarian’s face. “Am I UnSlumbering again?”

  “Greeny! Save us from the icky thing!” cried Princess Rainbow, throwing rocks at the creature’s hard shell.

  “This might be the loop-de-doopiest thing I’ve ever seen,” shrugged Frog. “The whole world is being blown to pieces by alien space invaders and you’re wasting your fight on that thing? What is it?”

  “A mouse-louse!” replied the bragon, trying to drag the slavering creature off Man-Lor by its tail. “When the sky fell we fled to my old abode in the caves – only to find a mouse-louse here, drinking my tea. And he’s been using the good cups!”

  “Man-Lor has drool in hair,” groaned Man-Lor, as he struggled against the mouse-louse. “Please help Man-Lor.”r />
  “Do something, Greeny!” squealed the princess. “We’re going to be eated!”

  “I’m sorry, are you talking to me? The mighty champion who just got beaten up by your mum?” replied Frog. “For the last time, I can’t do anything. I’m not a champion. I don’t even have any mighty weapons!”

  He tugged at his catastrophe pants and felt something in his pocket. He reached in and retrieved the magical talisman he’d taken from the blue house in the sky.

  “See? All I’ve got is a whizz-bang wizard whatsit,” he huffed. “Load of old bumdrops…”

  Frog tossed the talisman in frustration. It landed on the mouse-louse’s shell and exploded in a flash.

  “SKREE-EE!”

  The mouse-louse shrieked in fright as shimmering golden light engulfed it. A moment later, the beast began to shrink before Frog’s eyes. By the time the glow subsided, the mouse-louse was no bigger than … a mouse. Frog watched it scuttle fearfully into the darkness.

  “Baa,” noted an impressed Sheriff Explosion.

  “Greeny saved Man-Lor,” said Man-Lor, scrabbling to his feet. “I am Man-Lor.”

  “Pfff – still doesn’t make me a champion,” huffed Frog.

  “Well something must,” said a voice.

  Frog turned to see the rarewolf clamber into the cave, with Kryl following close behind. “Because if you can’t save us, the whole of Kingdomland is doomed.”

  The Return to the Palace

  “Save the world yourself,” sighed Frog, as the rarewolf paced around him. “Just leave me alone.”

  “I can’t leave you alone,” said Kryl, with a smile. “I’m your Keeper, remember. I promised to keep you safe.”

  Princess Rainbow pointed an outstretched arm at Kryl.